Sunday, February 5, 2012
I'll be seeing you.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Have Yourself A _____ _______ ________
I just came home from doing last minute shopping. Apparently, i underestimated the time and i thought I’d be able finish buying gifts in like an hour or two. I spent 5 freaking hours looking for stuff to buy for 4 grade school cousins. I should have thought about the time i spend shopping for myself, alone: this by itself is looooong, what more if i need to and multiply it by four. Simply put, i learned that i should never shop last minute, ever again. Though i did manage to buy good stuff. Of course. I could have picked that fugly shirt at the department store and threw it in a box and add a ribbon on top if i wanted to.
I didn’t have time to buy something for myself though. Oh wait, i did. A large cup of milk tea. Neh, it doesn’t count.
_________________________________________________
So, Christmas. Day when Christ was born. Last year, i blogged about how i didn’t really like spending the holiday with my aunts, uncles and cousins. Not that i feel much different, but I’d rather not rant this time.
Here goes the flashback. Mandatory, really.
This year, i got promoted. Veered away from training and became a team leader for operations. Was consistently a top TL during the first few months of the year, with the original 'team rocket,' bagging the coveted 'best of the best' title for the first semester. Then, agents from the other team became my agents. And after a few more months, another set of new agents came in. Stressful. Currently, I’m no longer the hotshot kid i used to be. Plateaued at second or third with best effort. The past few months, I was nothing but frustrated, demotivated and stressed out.
I’m trying to regain the focus and determination i had when i was still starting.
Fuck it. I’m gonna do this.
This year, i also was able to travel the most (for my 23 years of existence). I was able to go to:
Vegan
Laoag
Pagudpod
Baler (x2)
Laguna ie pansol and los banos (x infinity)
Malabon (haha)
Nasugbu, Batangas
Tagaytay (after literally 10 years)
This year i was able to meet a lot of new acquaintances / friends too:
Billy and the gang
The retail Engagement team
The retail dance crew
My new agents
Batches capture and montage, UP Photos
A whole lotta Convergys people
This year, i also developed my love for android devices (haha). Leveling up on my geekness by learning how to root, modify roms and tweaking a whole lotta other stuff. This year, i was also able to take more pictures compared to last year. Catalog as follows:
-Lightbox / pixlromatic shots
-Mug shots (of every leader in our vertical + more)
-Events ie Ate rache's wedding, best of the best, CVG leaders appreciation day, g5 step up etc. etc.
-Out of town trips ie baler and ilocos
In contrast, I’m taking lesser vanity shots. Hoho
This year, i also fell in love. Again. After what seems like forever waiting to move on from *******, i met someone. Haha kiligs. We're still together. Arguing over simple things like smart vs. globe, up vs. ust and where to eat. I thought we wouldn’t last, and there was a point that i almost gave up. But we choose to stay together. I made the right choice of fighting for what we have. Haha putangina keso.
This year, i had plans to do the following:
Go back to school
Learn mandarin
Gain weight
Get inked
Magpaputi
Well, none of them were realized. Haha. The good thing about this is i don’t have to create new goals for next year, i still have things on my list! :)
2011 was a good year for me, despite the almost-frequent emotional breakdowns and the return of the smoking habit. I learned a lot of new things about myself that i didn’t know I’m even capable of (no superpowers though). And yes, cliché closing statements are cliché, but i truly believe that everything will only get better next year, especially now that it's my birth year (dragon).
Happy holidays, reader.
Monday, November 7, 2011
pft.
A talk with your boss would either mean you're missing a report, you messed up with something, or you failed to do a task. Simply put, you're in fucking trouble man. That, or you're being promoted.
Well you have one in a darn thousand chance you're gonna get promoted, so yeah, sucks to be you.
It's weird when someone who taught you how to 'coach' is 'coach'-ing you. You know that every word, every line said has an equivalent check mark on a feedback form. Someone senior would definitely ace this. With anyone. Including you.
And you simply just nod your way through the session until he lets you recap the discussion and you go back to your desk with the same issue you had.
I am not fucking mature enough for this.
Or maybe i am. Because i try to solve things on my own. So that i could save myself from another bout of awkwardness.
I am a wreck. I am a fucking failure.
Frustating. Yes. Me.
Dont ask me if im tired. Or why am i, if ever i were. I swear i'd kick your balls hard.
middle finger up.
"Thank you sir miguel, enjoy your drink!"
I grabbed my iced chocolate (no whipped cream) and looked for a vacant table. Someone's on my usual spot, i'd have to sit somewhere else.
I found one near the entrance. Good enough.
I plan to stay here for an hour or less before i head upstairs and start my not-really-required preshift work.I opened up my bag and grabbed the book i was reading (Heidegger and a Hippo walk through those pearly gates). Just when i was about to start to read from where i left off, somebody called my name.
"Migoy!"
Great.
"Hey!" I replied, smiling.
"Musta? Sino kasama mo?"
"Uh, I'm waiting for my officemate ..."
Lie. Im not waiting for anyone.
" ... Kayo kamusta?" I continued.
The conversation went on for two more awkward minutes. Good thing they had to leave (because there were no seats).
And so they left. Im back to being alone.
I could have offered the chair where my bag was on, but i didnt.
I could have asked them sincerely how they were and probably asked them if they wanted to hang out some time. But i didnt.
Hang out. Puta.
Well, why not? Because we're not really that close. I'm not part of their circle.
Then i thought, am i actually a part of a circle? I mean a group of tight friendships?Well i believe i am. My org batchmates. My drinking buddies.
But most of them have other networks too. Even stronger relationships, i bet.
Yeah we text, post on each other's walls and timelines, but we never really do things together, like dine out, watch a movie and what not. We used to, but that was eons ago. And we just cant see each other regularly nowadays.
Everyone is with someone else. And i am left alone.
This is depressing, you know.
And these folks that just said hi, their circle does stuff, together. a lot. While i, sleep for hours, or mess around with photoshop, or worry bout work, or do my not-really-required preshift shit.
I waaant friends like that!
It's never easy to build a circle, neither is joining one. a circle requires people. Real people. I dont have that.
And Joining a circle, hard. It feels like you always have to prove yourself worthy for a certain time. Before the dudes accept you for who you really are. It feels like you need to stop certain habits and create new ones, to be continue being part of that group. So joining a group is really a no for me.Pardon my delusions of persecution. Or pride.
Or maybe the groups im exposed to just arent too open with who i am. Maybe because they really dont like me. Because i smoke and drink, because i dont dress well, because i'm a droid fan, or maybe because i rant a lot on social media, moreover, in caps.Well, that's me. Im not changing that for company.
Big deal e.
Sigh. If these people will be a bit more friendly though, i'll try to be good to them. Im not really hard to like (right?)
But for now, folks, we stick to our two-minute awkward talk routine.
Sigh again. The only option i have i guess is to form a new group with similar interests. But these groups arent created by force. They just happen.
And it needs people to happen. Meaning i have to go out and meet new people. Like me. Who are lonely and friend-less and is into photography, philosophy and drinking and smoking occasionally and house music, and cobra starship.
Good luck with that.
And the problem with me is, i really dont like to be with people all the time. I like being alone at times. Underline on the last two words.
Again, good luck with that.
Oh well. Im just gonna rot here in my dark corner, finish my book on existentialism (irony, yeah), and continue to tweet in caps. All these, i'll do on my own.
-M.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Aurora: A Trip with a Familiar Stranger #words #1
2:30 to 4:00 am Coaching
5:15 to 5:19 am Aux Out
7:03 to 7:20 am Moved second break.
Tss. overbreak.
8:37 to 9:12 am Aux Out
Save.
4:55am. Tss. C’mon c’mon, focus, Migoy. Last One.
11:35 to 12:50 am Coaching
12:50 to 01:50 am Moved Lunch due to Coaching
03:00 to 07:00 am Coaching, offline duties
....
Double checking...
Save.
Fuck. This is it.
I grabbed my blackberry and sent a message via blackberry messenger to someone. Then I texted another person. After sending the message, I hit on the red release button and checked the time.
5:00. Perfect.
"Paul, Ready to go down?"
"In a minute" Paul replied.
I checked the time, whut it's 5:10am already. Dang, I have to catch the 6:00am bus.
I was excited. very excited.
I called my boss who was kind enough to allow me to leave an hour and a half before my shift ends. He picked up and said he was still eating. Argh. He also needs to be in the training class graduation.
Time check, 5:17am.
Paul finally was done with what he was doing and we went down to the training room at the 7th floor.
5:30am. My boss isn't there yet. Shit. I have to leave. I gave a message to my soon-to-be-agents and left them with Paul. It's his class anyways.
Then I'm off. Aurora, see you in a few.
I rushed out of the building and hailed a cab just outside Glorietta.
I opened the door and in I go, together with a familiar stranger.
My other self.
"Boss Cubao, sa may Genesis"
5:48am. My excitement was spoiled when I arrived at the bus station and the bus that I was trying to get in already left.
"Fuck." Tweet.
I got on the 'next' bus and picked a comfy seat. A window seat at the right side.
The bus I was on left 7am.
So the journey started. I had my curtains up despite being stung by the heat and blinded by the brightness of the morning sun.
I had my eyes fixed on the windows. It's as if this is the first time that I 'm going on a vacation.
The drive was smooth and relaxing. We were in Bocaue in 30 minutes.
The bus stopped at the toll gate. I saw someone in the mirror.
My other self. My travel buddy for the next two days.
I looked at him for a couple of seconds and smiled. But he didn't.
He did not see me.
He and I, we're in this trip together, but we're really not together.
I grabbed my bag and took out my headset and plugged it to my droid.
I didn't notice
But I didn't care
I tried being honest
But that left me nowhere
I watched the station
Saw the bus pulling through
And I don't mind saying
A part of me left with you
One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home
This song by Michelle Branch played. It immediately lulled me to sleep.
The trip went very smooth and not as stressful compared to a trip to Baguio.
Or probably because this is not what I expected. I've read a few articles online that the paved road ends in Cabanatuan and beyond that, the road would be rough. Well. those sites are outdated. There were a few unpaved parts but they didn't stretch out long.
A lot times along the trip, I wanted to talk to my travel partner. But we were apart.
How can you be with someone, and feel alone at the same time?
There's this certain tension that kept us silent for hours.
I wanted to talk to you. I believe we came here for a reason. Not to talk about what happened in the past, but what is about to happen. Plans. Worries. What not.
We need to create new memories. Things that will mask the not so good ones we shared.
But we chose to be strangers, still.
At least the view of the Sierra Madre made me forget about my other self. Drama, puta. I got excited and felt happy again. I took out my camera and took shots. Then it played:
How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin’ to me though
You know need to watch the way you talkin’ to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we’ve been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain’t told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that’s the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon’ show me
So you walk around like you don’t know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it’s still so lonely
Disconnect. We are disconnected.
2pm and on the final stop. Hopefully. Smoked a cig, and stretched a bit. Sucks that the droid failed me (there was no GPRS signal there and my Maps were'nt loading).
Aurora is just around the corner. I gave the black Marlboro a last puff and got back on the bus. When I was about to sit down, I looked at my travel companion through the mirror. I smiled at him. He stared back.
Even though I didn't see any muscles twitch, I know deep inside he's happy.
Moony started playing:
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A less schizo version of me is at http://miguelinclosedcaption.tumblr.com/
